How do you block out fear?
Fear can be crippling and stand as an insurmountable blockade in front of us. I faced this type of fear in the most intense form 16 years ago. As much as I wanted to stand still, I had to move. As much as I wanted to hide, I had to show up...for my ten-year-old daughter... for my seven-year-old son... and for my loving husband.
There were many nights I had to block out fear inside the walls of the children’s hospital. There was one particular night when Christina was in ICU before she was diagnosed with cancer. I can visualize the fishbowl atmosphere of the room where my daughter was placed—surrounded by glass windows and doors. No solid walls existed for privacy, but I didn’t care who watched or who might have heard me. The rest of the world did not exist. I just needed for Christina to hear me and come back to me. I utilized every worship song I could find in my Bible. All these years later, I still keep these song sheets tucked inside. I sang to her for twelve hours. When I wasn’t singing, I whispered: “I’m right here Christina—right here—just you and me.” Of course, our Lord was there too. When my daughter awoke after those twelve long hours, we were both grateful to God! The night had passed, but the journey had just begun. I wrote a poem about that experience called “When You Left Me.” I never had the chance to share it with Christina. I pray it reaches her in heaven every single time I share it now.
When You Left Me (For My Beloved Christina)
When you left me,
A part of me left too.
Where did you go?
What shall I do?
Are you waiting somewhere on a softball mound
As excited fans roar?
Please let me catch for you—
Even once more.
Are you laughing with your brother
At a funny TV show?
Why can’t I hear you?
I don’t want to let go!
Are you making up songs and dances
With your best friend?
Let me be your audience.
I’m not ready for this end.
Where are you, dear daughter?
Please talk to me.
My heart is breaking.
My eyes cannot see.
Oh, why do I keep searching
When it is plain to see?
It is “He” you are with—
The best company!
Blessed are You, Lord,
Who I turn to in this dark hour.
With You, Christina breathes forever—
In Heaven’s glory and power!
When we are consumed with His love and promises there is no room for fear. All these years later I must still show up for my family, myself and the rest of the world. What I’ve grasped and learned is meant to be shared. What I am in Christ is meant to be “lived.”
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9.
For more about our journey of faith, I invite you to read When Your Voice Became Mine.
Blessings to all who read this!
Celeste N. Bowers
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